The holiday season is not all about fun, family and suicidal thoughts. It's also about traveling. In order to relieve the annual stress of overcrowded airports, delayed flights and suicidal thoughts, President Bush has decided to open up national airspace typically reserved for military use only. Great news for the harried holiday traveler, but it will require some new procedures and preparation. Before you head to the airport this year, please consider these useful travel tips:

At the Airport
Be prepared for long lines, heightened security, and PTSD. Before entering military airspace, make sure your parachute is properly packed, your radio headset is tuned to the proper channel, and your requisitioned assault rifle and one week's supply of MREs are stowed in a fire-retardant rucksack.

Ask Yourself
Have I packed everything I will need?
What about a knife?
If we are mistaken for an enemy aircraft and fired upon by an F-16, what is my evacuation plan?
If we are mistaken for an enemy aircraft and forced to land and my fellow passengers and I are taken as prisoners of war, have "Nick" Chevotarevich and I made the proper psychological preparations ahead of time in order to pull off a dangerous game of Russian roulette with our captors and murder our way to freedom?
Have I packed comfortable walking shoes?

Pro Tips

• Tie a colorful ribbon to your fire-retardant rucksack so that you can recognize it quickly and easily from the charred wreckage of your destroyed aircraft.


• Bring healthy snacks on the airplane, like trail mix and oranges. You will be able to use the trail mix to mark your path out of the desert, and the fresh fruit will stave off scurvy for a few weeks.


• Learn how to suck poison out of snakebites BEFORE you travel.