Army's new $2.6 billion chopper can't fly in "bathing suit weather"

The AT-42 "Tempest" Self-Propelled Combat Transport: Building on the success of its lightning-strike operations during the Iraq War, the Army sought a vehicle that could cover great distances and would not be limited by fuel requirements. The answer: an armored transport vehicle powered by an immense Kevlar sail. After four years of development, the first prototypes were tested in early 2007, and failed to perform to spec. Extensive testing revealed that the probable cause to be: "it isn't windy enough." To rectify the problem, the Army has commissioned a new vehicle, the XR-671 Mobile Propulsion Unit, a humongous fan mounted on a retrofitted Bradley fighting vehicle.
TOTAL COST: $44.2 BILLION
 

LL-620 "Roaster" Long Range Ballistic Missile (LRBM): Designed to deliver a conventional or nuclear explosive payload, these missiles experienced an 80% failure rate. Testing revealed the probable cause to be that key missile components, including parts of the rocket body and nose-cone insulation, were made of chicken. Chicken's use as a material for advanced weaponry has been championed by a coalition of powerful farm state senators, who point to its low cost in comparison with high-tech synthetic materials such as titanium alloys or ceramics. Unfortunately, when subjected to the extreme temperatures of lift-off and reentry, chicken becomes dry and chewy. Research continues on developing a genetically modified breed of chicken with breast meat that can remain tactically moist and flavorful under the rigorous conditions of nuclear warfare.
TOTAL COST: $27 BILLION

T-1 Combat Infantry Cyborg: This intelligent humanoid robotic soldier is impervious to small arms fire, and capable of conducting complex tactical warfare, relying on its own robotic intelligence to achieve missions quickly. Hailed as breakthrough technology that would free our soldiers from ever again having to risk their lives in combat, the first brigade of T-1s was ready for action in late 2005 to replace U.S. Marines fighting in Iraq. Unfortunately, before it could be deployed, the brigade was permanently sidelined after Army testers discovered that all of the cyborgs were gay.
TOTAL COST: $71 BILLION
 

Death Star: President Bush, long an admirer and supporter of President Reagan's "Star Wars" missile defense system, insisted that the military take it to the next level, by building a "Star Wars Offense"; specifically, a fully operational Death Star. The president reasoned that if such a weapon could be built and deployed, "that would be awesome." He further argued that the technology is feasible, given that it was already created and demonstrated against the planet Alderon a long, long, time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Democrats and some Republican budget hawks have demanded an investigation into persistent allegations that the design has a known flaw, in that its defenses could be penetrated by a small group of fighters, and that a well-placed proton torpedo could set off a chain reaction that would destroy it completely. However, the project has the support of the Vice President Darth Vader, and is likely to be funded for the foreseeable future.
TOTAL COST: $1.4 TRILLION